Note: this began as a DM, in response to a request for education. Having little faith that the time, energy, and emotional labor would be acknowledged or lead to any real change or growth, I chose to share it here as well, in hopes that it might serve that purpose for others.
Content warning: discusses a sexually suggestive tweet; contains references to domestic violence, homophobia, and racism, in the context of Major League Baseball.
I have no reason to believe that anything I say will be read with any amount of consideration, or that I might be considered worthy of respect. I truly believe I am wasting my time responding earnestly. Please understand that there is emotional labor being performed here, with no reasonable expectation of anything in return. That is really depressing! And yet, I’m responding.
This account exists because in 2015, when I was cheering for the Mets in the World Series, I was trying to find a way to reconcile that rooting interest with the fact that their star player at the time was a proud, outspoken homophobe. I donated money to an NYC-based LGBTQ youth organization based on that WS performance, and thought that was the end of it. Less than 2 months later, the Nationals (my team) signed that player, and my donations continued. When I first started, I felt very isolated in my discomfort cheering for him on my team, but it didn’t take long to learn there were many of us, just looking for some constructive way to channel that anger and disappointment. When that player was traded from Washington to Chicago in mid-2018, Cubs fans started donating to an LGBTQ organization in his name. The next off-season, he signed with Colorado, and Rockies fans took over – and ended up raising even more money.
Over the last ~6 years, I have met MLB fans of teams all around the league who experience that same type of disconnect, and just wanted a way to bring about something positive out of a really crappy situation. This has included fans of teams whose players have committed acts of domestic violence, in addition to incidents of homophobia and racism, with fans responding with donations to organizations serving those marginalized communities.
There’s a reason this is so personal to so many of us: we have been made to feel unwelcome in sports (either as athletes or as fans) for as long as we can remember. There is a reason many LGBTQ people immediately reacted yesterday, and it’s not because it felt new or unusual or unique – it’s because it felt so familiar.
This account has 824 followers. That’s it. I’m nobody. You literally have a platform more than 1,000 TIMES the size of mine. That is why this is important.
About your original tweet. What is the actual meaning? It’s suggestive, not explicit. Most people seem to have made the same assumption. Why might a person be on their knees? Maybe in worship, Wayne’s World “we’re not worthy”-style? That’s probably the best-case scenario. It’s also not the popular interpretation.
The popular interpretation is that you were referring to a sex act. At this point, it really doesn’t matter if that wasn’t the original intent. I think it probably was. Only you know what you meant. The fact that it was widely believed (and celebrated) to be the sexual scenario is what matters at this point. It’s a common way to mock someone – either in fun, or not. Again, the original intent no longer matters.
The question to ask is, why is it a common way to mock someone? Why is it “funny”? Who is the butt of the joke, and why? If the insult is that someone is on their knees, what is the implication?
There are a couple of interconnected explanations: pleasuring a man is something a woman would do, the target is like a woman, that is the intended insult. That it is humiliating to be like a woman. That women are to be looked down upon. That a man who does something that can be considered “feminine” is worthy of shame. Or, option 2: a man pleasuring another man is gay, the target is like a gay person, that is the intended insult. That it is humiliating to be gay. That being gay, or being perceived to be gay, is worthy of shame. (If these seem extremely similar, there’s a reason for that. Homophobia and misogyny are interconnected and always have been.)
I am not trying to police your thoughts. That’s not what this is about. I am asking you to consider why – why is that the thought that comes to mind? Why is it the insult you choose to deploy? Why do your literal thousands of followers celebrate this particular insult as an epic burn? So funny? One of the best tweets ever?
Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg has talked a lot on twitter about tshuvah – the Jewish concept of “repentance,” and what a genuine apology looks like. (She actually just published a book on this exact topic: On Repentance And Repair: Making Amends in an Unapologetic World.) The short version: To apologize, you have to acknowledge the harm caused. Own it. Feel remorse. Stop doing it. Take actual, measurable action to make amends.
The first step is to take accountability and accept consequences. But if you don’t actually understand (or worse, even believe) how what was done was harmful, there is no way to move forward. There is only a cycle that continues until the next time, and the next hollow “apology,” and the next time everyone apparently moves on, until the next time.
Yes, you “apologized.” You acknowledged that your tweet “crossed the line” – what line, though? It was “hurtful to many” – hurtful how? Hurtful to whom? The fact that the massive response to this “apology” was to celebrate the original tweet, to argue that it shouldn’t have been deleted, and to defend its use and denigrate those who you yourself stated were hurt by it is right there, for everyone to see. There are over 3,000 replies as I am looking at it right now, most of which are exactly that. And you did not follow up, you did not respond, you did not clarify, you did nothing.
Those of us who chose to speak out – knowing that when we do so, we make ourselves vulnerable to your thousands of followers – got the abuse in return. And you did nothing.
You said you’ve spoken with “members of the LGBTQ community.” I am not asking who they are. I am telling you that here on queer baseball twitter, the reaction was pretty immediate, and pretty consistent. One sentiment I saw several times – said jokingly, but I promise you, the joke is based in truth – was along the lines of “gee, I wonder why more MLB players haven’t come out!” Jeff: you are one of the highest profile MLB writers today. Yeah. I wonder why.
My favorite (please note: this is sarcasm) response I received yesterday was “You mad cuz you like to be on your knees too.” Multiple blue check sports writers are tagged. None of you had any response for this, or any of the other harassment being slung at the people who dared call out an ugly, unnecessary tweet. The cycle continues. The sentiment perpetuates. And we continue to not be surprised.
jennrubenstein 